The Dark Lord's New Clothes
by nony0mous
Summary: After the war, Harry and Ron are visited by the Dark Lord. And they see a side of him they wish they've never seen... the sight of Voldemort in a chicken suit.
1. Chapter 1

Written for Scarlet Diamonds's **This Is Going To Be Hilarious! A Comptetion! **competition.

* * *

**Well, hello folks, do I have a story for you tonight!**

**(You are reading this at night, right?)**

**(Hey, I rhymed!)**

**Of course, this wouldn't be a nony0mous story without a nony0mous disclaimer.**

**I am sorry to say that I have failed to achieve the rights of Harry Potter and the Harry Potter series.**

**But I have the next best thing...**

**I have managed to find a job that, in 5 years, will earn me enough money to pay off the fee for breaking the copyright!**

**(Ooh, an appositive!)**

**So that is why, in my free time, I am walking down Broadway wearing a chicken suit with multiple signs attached to me saying messages like**

**LOSER**

**and**

**KICK ME**

**so everybody knows who I am!**

**I _told_ everyone that I wouldn't end up working at Burger King.**

**Ha!**

**I have a better job than all my friends who became lawyers and doctors and witch doctors and orthodontists and innovators and all those other jobs that automatically make you rich.**

**Pshh. Who cares about being rich? All I want is to live life to the fullest. And you ain't lived life unless you've worn a chicken suit.**

**Oh no...**

**McDonalds has come. They want to turn me into a McNugget.**

Chocolate.

It is a universal concept. You have to be insane to hate it. Or you just have chocolate allergies. If you do, I am actually sorry for you.

It just so happens that wizards love chocolate, too. They eat chocolate in the form of Chocolate Frogs. And with every Chocolate Frog comes a card.

Ronald Weasley and Albus Dumbledore's deepest desire and greatest achievement is to have a Chocolate Frog Card about them. But we all know Dumbledore was crazy. So when the war was over, Ronald went over and asked if he could have his name on a card. They told him yes, now shut up, we have better things to do.

Now Harry and Ron were unwrapping the card for the first time.

Harry read:

"_Roonil Wazlib_

"_Roonil is the best friend of the famed wizard, Harry Potter. He is best know for being scared of spiders. It is interesting that during Harry Potter's amazing defeat of Voldemort, Roonil was nowhere to be found. He belongs to a family of blood-traitors and married a Muggle-born. He enjoys wizard chess, though he is not very good at it, and the art of epically-failing at everything."_

Ron was speechless.

Harry was shocked.

Someone had just Tasered him in the back!

Well, that's the price you pay for sitting in front of a police station.  
Harry tried to comfort Ron.

"Look, I bet mine wasn't that great, either. Look..."

And so he read his card.

"_Harry Potter_

"_Harry Potter was the greatest wizard ever to walk the face of the Earth. He was know for defeating the noseless Dark Lord not one, but two times. He was the youngest Seeker in a century while he attended Hogwarts, which the Malfoys protested for years about. This card has been signed by him personally. However, all of his cards are autographed, making this card absolutely worthless._

"_**Signed,**_

_**Harry Potter**_

_**Modest Defeater of Voldemort**_

_**Who Managed to Escape Death Even When He Was a Baby Because He Was So Awesome"**_

Well, that didn't go well.

Luckily, Harry managed to find a distraction.

"Look! A dry puddle!"

Ron looked away.

"Where?"

"It's right over there, next to the thingy!"

Ron squinted.

"Yeah, I think I see it..."

But there was something else Ron saw.

"Hey, is that who I think it is?"

Walking down the street was a man with slits for eyes and practically no nose. He was completely bald and radiated the stench of evil.

Ron couldn't believe it.

"'Scuse me, but didn't Harry kill you?"

The man stopped.

"No! Sheesh, you get plastic surgery and suddenly everyone wants to murder you. Oy vey..."

And now Ron was remembering his card again.

"Oh, everyone loves famous Harry Potter. And oh yeah, there's sidekick Weasley, sweeping the very floor in front of Harry so he won't trip. Well, you know what, I'm sick of it!"

"Look! A distraction!"

Ron looked.

And he saw another man with slits for eyes and practically no nose. But he ignored him.

"You know Muggles and their crazy tastes. I mean, half the girls in America love Justin Bieber! Crazy, crazy, crazy."

So the man continued until he got to the bench to boys were sitting on.

Then he stopped.

"Hello," he said with a huge grin on his face.

Harry cleared his throat.

"Excuse me, do I know you?"

The man rolled his eyes. Of course, Harry and Ron couldn't see him rolling his eyes because they were slits.

"I'm Voldemort," he explained.

"Voldemort? Tom Riddle? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? You-Know-Who? The Dark Lord? Moldy Shorts? Lord Thingy? Lord Thing? Lord Voldything? Master? Your Lordship? Chief Death Eater? Heir of Slytherin? Voldy? Vlodemort? The one who said the immortal line 'I hath telekinesis?'" asked Harry.

"The one and only!" Voldemort replied happily.

Then another man walked up.

"That's not true! All those titles belong to me!"

Voldemort looked both ways, then quickly said "Avada Kedavra!" and the man died.

"As I was saying, the one and only!"

But Harry was still confused.

"Didn't I kill you?"

Voldemort cocked his head, thinking.

"Nope. Don't seem to recall anything of the sort. Okay, guys, I've got my chicken suit on and I'm going to cross the road. This is going to be hilarious!"

Ron asked, "What chicken suit?" but saw that a suit had magically been put on Voldemort. And I truly mean magically: nobody had waved their wand.

And then Voldemort crossed the road.

There was dead silence. All the cars stopped. Nobody was talking on their cell phones. And then someone finally asked the inevitable question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

That was a good question.

Let's hear the official report:

"This is Linda from I Witness Snooze, where we report stories about people falling asleep. And here is some breaking news: we are covering real news! Here in London, we are witnessing what is sure to be the biggest story of the millennium. It seems that a chicken has now crossed the road! We now talk to the witnesses themselves, Harry Potter and Roonil Wazlib."

Ron cursed under his breath.

"So guys, what happened here?"

Ron began, "Well, we were sitting here looking at our-"

Harry interrupted him. "I was sitting here and I saw a chicken, and I was like, well, what's a chicken doing out here in London? So I started talking to him and I found out he was from Australia. But then he told me that he was a Secret Agent chicken, and that he was on a Pop-Secret mission. Apparently, Martians have been coming to Earth to steal our Pop-Secret popcorn. He decided to investigate it, and he found out that the top popcorn supplier to the aliens was this movie theater, right across the road. I decided that I would help him, and I levitated him off the road with my wand-"

"Harry!" Ron whispered. "We're talking to Muggles here!"

But Harry went on.

"And so I levitated him, but Roonil over here decided he must thwart my plan, and he brought the enemy of every chicken... a Hot Wheels toy car."

Ron didn't even bother asking.

"So the Agent Triple-O Negative Seven Point Eight Walmart Class (A.T.O.N.S.P.E.W.) brawled it out with the Hot Wheels car, and we found out that the car was really a flying saucer in disguise and that Roonil was a Martian."

Linda the spokeswoman gasped.

"So we need to arrest this... this thing! So that the popcorn of Earth will remain safe forever."

Harry then looked directly at the camera.

"And that, Professor Snape, is why I didn't do my Potions homework."

Meanwhile, the Muggles had begun to tie up Ron.

"Stop! I'm innocent! I'm not a Martian!"

"That's exactly what a Martian _would_ say!" said an old man.

"Harry! I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do!"

"Now! Everybody else, follow me! We have to help the chicken!"

Meanwhile, Voldemort was watching this with amusement. He had said that this would be hilarious. And hilarious it was.

**And that's the end.**

**'Cept for the epilogue.**

**Because there was a question that was never answered...**

**Why did the chicken cross the road?**

**So now go read the short epilogue.**

**Just 'cause this story is so awesome.**


	2. Epilogue

**Now, to tie up some loose ends, I present you with the epilogue.**

Harry followed Voldemort into the movie theater.

His story had earned him extra fame and it had even gotten rid of Ron. He was so proud of himself!

But he needed to find out why the chicken had crossed the road.

_Hmm, _he thought. _Voldemort seems to be buying tickets to a movie. How strange._

Harry bought two tickets and went in.

The previews were awesome. He especially wanted to see the movie called Every Villain Is Lemons_. _It was about two villains who tried to take over the world... and epically failed. It was also based off a story by a guy named nony0mous.

He sneaked into the row behind Voldemort. And then he whispered: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

And Voldemort replied: "To catch the world premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2!"

Before Harry could contemplate this answer, Ron came in.

"But – how?" Harry asked.

"I told the old man that I was a Martian. He reasoned that a Martian would never reveal that he was really a Martian, so I was let go.

"Unfortunately for you, I really _am_ a Martian."

And he pulled out his machine gun and pulled the trigger.

**And that's the end.**

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